Two Whole Radishes!

My last post, dated July 11th, was actually written in the beginning of June. I didn't post it because I though it was dumb. Well I've decided I don't really care. I'm not the best writer in the world and my thoughts tend to be confusing and or boring but this is me. So here I am! 

Interestingly enough since that post my garden has managed to grow some shabby arugala, two radishes, and three impresive looking pea plants. The parallel continues. God can bear fruit in my life. My pride, selfishness, and all the other wicked things, He already dealt with. He just wants me to let Him plant. 

And This Is How My Brain Works

I'm finding that lately I'm having and incredible lack of inspiration. God is still working and moving in my heart but at this moment it is inexpressible. Aside from that my life seems to be pretty boring.  I have been working on the same knitting project for over a month now. I keep ripping it out and starting over because I seem to find it impossible to let any small imperfection slide. I have also recently started a small garden. However I will be shocked if anything actually grows seeing as I somehow decided it would be a good idea to plant it on the side of the house that gets the least amount of sun. Not only that, but this morning when I left for work I noticed someone had left a large boot print right in the middle of my little plot. Who would do that?? If, by some miracle, something does manage to grow I will be sure to post pictures promptly.

As I'm writing this I'm starting to see parallels between my two projects and my life. When things aren't  perfect, whether they be in my life or in the lives of people I am close to, I have an irresistible urge to tear the entire work apart. Unlike knitting, however, it is not so easy to start from scratch. 

The garden is like my heart. God has planted little seeds there. Those seeds are the fruits of the Spirit. I want so badly for them to spring up. I can feel them yearning for the sun and straining towards it. What so often keeps them from reaching its light, where they can grow and flourish, are the giant boots of pride and selfishness. They stop right down an squish those good seeds.

I don't know if any of that makes sense but this is how I process things. I guess it's just how my brain works. 

Musings Of A Hungry Heart

Seth was finally able to have his wisdom teeth removed this past weekend. It went extremely well. The day of the surgery he was just tired and slept most of the day. It was strange for me to see him all doped up. When he finally came out of his stupor I was so glad to have my husband back! He woke up the next day with no pain and I practically had to strap him to the couch to get him to rest. We had a nice relaxing day which we so desperately needed and now it's back to the grind.

Today, despite having to wake up much earlier than my body would like, and despite feeling bogged down by routine, I am going to make a conscious effort to bask in the love of my Lord and Savior, and to pray that my husband will do the same. I want to be so consumed by His love that it pours out of me in the form of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I want the Spirit to control me instead of being controlled by fear of failure, of losing God's love and His blessing. Although I know that the reason this fear controls me is because I am believing lies, those lies are not as easily recognizable as I once thought they were. There are times when it's obvious to me that I'm trying to earn God's approval by works. I recognize that it's happening and I ask God to forgive me and to change my heart, but I still have this feeling that something is not right.

This is not something that I have only been dealing with lately, I've struggled with it my whole life. It's only lately that God has been able to work in my heart and soften it to some things that I've never seen before. One of those things is how deeply and subtly a works-mentality has been rooted, not only in my heart, but in Seth's as well. This is not to say that in our minds we believe we are justified by works, or that we can earn the love of Christ which is so freely given. We don't consciously think that, and for the most part we don't display it in our actions. The problem is in our hearts. We struggle with peace and joy because we are compelled by a nagging feeling that we have to earn God's love, and by fear that if we let go of trying to earn His love we will become complacent, apathetic, or even fall back into the world. Because this is often our motivation, we tend to feel exhausted, unsatisfied, and that we are not bearing fruit. Our desire is to serve the Lord and to please Him, and though those are good desires our focus is wrong, hence the dissatisfaction. 

So how do we change? How do we let love compel us? How do we let the Spirit work freely through us so that we can bear the fruit of the Spirit? I don't have the answers to these questions, but I'm going to start by spending more time thanking and praising the Lord for His amazing gift of salvation and I'm going to keep praying. I'm going to pray that this work He has started in my heart will continue. I'm going to pray that He will stir in my husband's heart, that we will both let go of our perfectionism and our need to contribute to our sanctification. I'm going to pray that we will stand on God's word and trust that by His Spirit He will keep our feet from stumbling and He will sanctify us. I'm going to pray that our focus will be Jesus and not our sanctification, that our eyes will be opened to what we really are, poor, blind, and naked. But Jesus, and only Jesus, has made us fellow heirs with Him, He has made us rich, He has given us eyes to see Him, and He has clothed us in righteousness. We are nothing but He has given us everything. 

This may seem like a random subject and strangely placed, but my heart is so hungry to learn this lesson He is teaching me. I don't know if everything I said makes sense, but I needed to share it. Thanks for listening! 

Update

Our Jello eating, movie marathon weekend has been foiled by the evil pink eye monster. Seth, who rarely gets more than a cold, came home form work Wednesday night with green goop coming out of his eye. This, of course, happened just in time for his surgery which had to be cancelled. We were able to reschedule for next week but I feel bad that Seth is going to have to spend two weekends in a row with some sort of ailment. I'm finding it strange that since we moved into the cabin we've both been sick with one thing or another. I'm hoping that we're just run down and that it has nothing to do with the house. I suppose I should stop hoping and start praying!

Even though the next two weekends will include a lot of down time this past weekend made up for it as far as business goes. It seemed we were running around doing something all weekend. Sunday was exciting because my little sister was able to come out with her singing group from college. It was just one day and I wish the time had been longer but I was so blessed to hear her sing and spend even just a little bit of time with her. It amazes me to see how much her talents have developed and, even though I know it's hard for her to see sometimes, how much God is working in her life. He has blessed her with so many gifts and I can't wait to see how He will continue to use them. I pray that God will teach me how to pray for her and give me the humility to build her up.

A Small Reprieve After A Busy Move

I've finally found time to sit down and write! It has been a crazy couple weeks. We moved all of our stuff and unpacked 75% of it in one weekend, thanks to my highly motivated husband. Then, I got so sick that I had to miss a weekend trip to see my sister. I was home in my chair for five days. We had no TV and no internet, since we hadn't set it up after the move. The upside to this was that I finished my women's Bible study homework way ahead of schedule, and I learned how to play some video game that Seth likes. It's actually kind of fun!

So far living in the cabin has been great. It's nice being able to walk to our various events at church and I enjoy having people stop by and say hello. We've had fun making it homey. It's quite a bit colder inside than the apartment. We have been keenly aware of the cold, since the two weeks that we've lived here have been the snowiest we've had all winter. It's been a great excuse for cuddling though and I've finally had a chance to wear my slippers!

I am so thankful that I am on the mend now and that we are mostly unpacked because Seth is having his wisdom teeth removed this weekend. As much as it makes me nervous to have him put under anesthesia, and as much as I don't want to see him uncomfortable, I'm kind of looking forward to taking care of him. Since we've been married he's never had more than a little cold while I've had my wisdom teeth out and been really sick. He's taken such good care of me during those times and I'm excited to return the favor. It'll be a movie marathon, Jello filled weekend! Yea baby!

Mid Moving Meal

Yesterday my mom and I started packing up my kitchen. Since we're not moving until Saturday I made a list of easy dish free meals we could eat for the rest of the week. This morning I realized we hadn't packed up my pots and pans and I thought it would be nice to make one more nice meal before we revert to frozen pizzas. I bought some steaks, a few potatoes, and made up some kale that I had left over in the fridge. As the food began to cook and our mouths started watering I came to a horrible realization. It was true that I had my pots and pans still, but it was also true that all of our silver wear, and our plates were packed and moved. So here we are eating steak with plastic silver wear and paper plates. Oh the sweet memories we are making!

April Fools

It's been a little bit longer than I like since my last post and even now I dint have time to write as much as I would like. We have been busy moving and my mind has been other places. We're still not fully in the cabin yet. It's hard trying to plan moving time around work. I think Seth and I have been working fairly well as a team even though I have been dragging my feet a little bit. I'm just not as motivated as he is but I'm trying to keep up. He's been letting me go mostly at my own pace, which is good because it makes me want to get stuff done just to make him happy.

Despite the mild stress of moving, Easter still proved to be my favorite Holiday. I love everything it represents....from a christian perspective that is. Jesus rising from the dead! He is our hope and salvation! Praise The Lord!
We enjoyed worshiping at the sunrise service, as well as the regular Sunday morning service. We also had a wonderful time with our family.
I'll write more once were all settled and I have a minute to gather my thoughts!

P.S. I'm pregnant.

 April fools!! ;)

Always a Monkey Wrench

It seems that in life every time we think we know something, that we're absolutely sure about it, something comes in and totally muddles it up.

As the days have gone by the reservations I had about moving have melted away one by one. I was finally on the same page as Seth. I was ecstatic about moving with no reservations, except for leaving my big giant beautiful kitchen...but I was getting over it. Then Tuesday came around and I received a phone call from Seth while I was at work. He told me that a branch of the bank he works at, which is located about 18 miles from where we live now, and in the opposite direction of the town we're moving to, had called and offered him a position there. The position involved a significant raise and a promotion. Since I was at work we didn't really have a chance to talk about it. He just asked me to pray.

Of course it was all I could think about for the rest of the day. I thought through a million things at once. Should Seth take the job? If he did, would we still move even though it would be an hour commute for him? Should we stay at the apartment? If we did, would the pay raise give us the same amount of savings as moving into the cabin? Was this an answer to prayer, that when we have kids we will have the financial stability for me to stay home, or would the extra money all get sucked into our loans? Would living so far from church plus the extra 30 minutes in the opposite direction be too overwhelming for us? Would it hinder us even more from ministry through the church? And round and round I went.

That night and the next day all we did was think, pray, and ask for prayer. I was struggling to even know what to pray, so I just asked that the Lord would make the decision we were supposed to make extremely clear to both of us. On Wednesday night, Seth called several people for wisdom and council. They all had different opinions about the various aspects of the decisions we were making. After hearing them talk through our situation, Seth and I came to the same conclusion. Seth was going to decline the position at the other branch and we were going to move ahead with our original plan of moving into town to care take for the church.

We both came to this conclusion for the same reasons. We felt that if Seth chose to take the job it might give us more financial stability in the future and it could possibly be a smart "career move". However it would also be a big sacrifice of Seth's time. Not only his time with me but also time spent with the Lord, and in ministry. Neither of us ever wanted to live a life where we were focused on careers or making more money. We want to serve Jesus. So why would we pursue something that is not where God has either of our hearts? Neither of us had peace about Seth taking the job even though it seemed like the smarter thing to do so we chose to walk the other way.

I still don't understand why all of these decisions came up for us all at once but I don't need to. I feel that we made the decision that the Lord would have us to, and if we are mistaken in some way, He is more than able to redeem it. Though I still have my moments of anxiety, where I wonder if we've made the wrong choice, I'm excited for this opportunity to trust God and see His provision in our lives.

Moving, Memories, and Mint Chip

The Lord has been answering a big prayer for us lately. Between the two of us, Seth and I have a large amount of debt through student loans. The Lord had been so faithful in providing for us to continue to make our minimum payments, but we just haven't been able to make any headway. Our desire is to be in full time ministry. What that means or looks like, I'm not quite sure but whatever it is, it's not a door that God has opened for us yet. Instead we are both working full time jobs to pay the bills.  Even though we know that all things are possible with God and we are so blessed to have work, I would be lying if I said that we didn't fear that we will be doing this for the rest of our lives in order to get out of debt. Lord teach us to trust!!

Recently God opened a door for us to move into a small cabin next to the church. We will save quite a bit of money by moving there. This will enable us to put what we save toward paying off our loans. The location is also a lot better for us. Even though our apartment is less than two miles away from my work, it's close to 15 miles outside of town which is not only where Seth works, but also where the church is, and where most of our friends and family live. So we will cut down a lot on travel time... not to mention gas. We don't know how long this door will stay open for us and we are praying that God will help us to manage our money wisely so that we can make the most of this time.

I am extremely blessed that God opened this door. However, as I tend to be overly sentimental, I am sad as well. I moved into the apartment that Seth and I are living in now a little over two years ago. A couple from our church had remodeled the bottom floor of their house and turned it into the cutest little living space. This couple was kind enough to allow me and my cousin to move in and it was my first real home, aside from a dorm room, away from my parents. When Seth and I got married my cousin moved out, Seth moved in, and we have been making it our home ever since. I have so many happy memories there and I'm finding it a little bit hard to leave. I also LOVE the couple that lives upstairs. They have been so good to us and I will miss them.

Although Seth likes the apartment and he will also be sad to leave our upstairs neighbors, he is struggling to understand my feelings. As sentimental as I am, Seth is the most unsentimental person I have ever met! He sees moving as the most logical thing we can do, which it is, and so he is completely ecstatic about it with no reservations whatsoever. This situation has been an opportunity for both of us to learn a little bit more about each other. Though Seth was taken off guard by my reaction to moving, he has been wonderfully understanding and sensitive. I appreciate his willingness to acknowledge my feelings, even if he doesn't understand them. I pray that I can learn how to do the same for him! Something I have realized as well is that I would go anywhere with him. He's going to be there, so no matter what, it's going to be home. This was a happy discovery for me to make. I think it made him happy too!


We will be moving within the first few weeks of April and as the days go by, despite my initial reservations, I am getting more and more excited. I am looking forward to moving into town. I think it will give us a lot more opportunities to minister, especially since we will be right next door to the church. It will also be nice to have a craving for mint chip ice cream and not have to drive to China to get some.

So this has been a fraction of the thoughts that have been running through my mind about this move and I feel better to have some of them out of my head. Thanks for listening!!

Thought for Today

Well we're half way through another week! I am so blessed to have a day off during the week, though it always seems to go by faster than any other day. I feel this way especially now that every other week Seth gets off early on my day off and we have an afternoon to spend together. I look forward to those days so much because after the weekend, by Wednesday we've only had a few precious hours together.

Snowy Saturday

This is the perfect day for my first post! Seth didn't have to work today and I was so excited I woke up at 6:30 this morning. I tried desperately to fall back to sleep but my bladder had other plans. My trip to the bathroom could have been fairly uneventful but our sweet kitty, Judah, has a habit of following me every where. I tried to be sneaky but to no avail. He followed me right into the restroom and then back to bed. This shouldn't have been a problem but now he was awake and decided that Seth needed be too. So my poor husband spend the rest of the morning throwing Judah off of his face. This went on for about an hour and a half before I finally gave up and decided to get out of bed. Seth is a lot more stubborn than I am and stayed for a bit longer.